How To Create Your Very Own Web Site

  • Beer
  • 3 Ounces of butter
  • 275 grams of butter
  • 1 Cup of butter
  • Beer
  • A Beer bottle full of butter (another excuse to empty a beer bottle)
  • Flour (all recipes must have flour in them, some girl in a wig passed that law sometime in the not to distant future) (yes this is mixing of tenses, but rationality is for the small minded)
  • Beer (thus ensuring complete lack of aforementioned rationality)
These ingredients will supply you with various quantities of beer, butter and flour you may do with these what you wish, and of course be creative and use different amounts of any ingredients as you wish.

However as ingredients have some limitations in respect to web page creation we will leave any further additions to your own imaginations. Books you may want to read on the subject (either Ingredient Lists or Web Site Creation) are.

  • Anything written by Harlan Ellison (this is a bit off topic but who cares as he is the most brilliant author alive) for more details look at
  • Any book by Linus Torvalds (yeah I know he hasn't written a book yet but that shouldn't stop you) (the bloke who started the Linux kernel and is in charge of development)
  • Any book by beer (yes yeast based alcoholic drinks can be creative too)
  • Yes I know I am letting my opinions slip into this page but don't try to read a book by me as I also haven't written one, and it would probably be better for starting fires than reading if I had.
  • A book of matches. (makes starting those fires a lot easier)
  • A flame thrower (yes this isn't a book exactly but it definitely simplifies the starting of fires)
  • Recipe books are generally considered a good source of lists of ingredients however it can be oh so boring reading through such things unless you actually have plans to cook something. (or I suppose do something else, like kinky games with chocolate sauce I suppose) There are more interesting things to attempt cooking to ease the boredom, as an added bonus if you find something that involves lots of heat or flame you can practise your fire starting skills or use the flame thrower.
  • Another good source of lists is "The Book of Lists" (I do unfortunately have no details on this, however it does exist and may be found in libraries or bookstores, go and ask at a friendly local library, bookstore or abattoir, it is unlikely you will find this book in the abattoir however you can visit anyway if you have interests in large amounts of gore (sheep or cow internals)
  • Unix Network Programming by W R Stevens (second edition, volume 2), this will enable you to write your own implementation of clients and servers for the http protocol for use when looking at your web site you have created.
You may have noticed a lot of the content here has not been completely relevant to the goal of writing a web site. There are a few ways we may assess this possibly perceived problem.
  1. Write a document or a set of documents involving such things as html, well structured data presentation, formal html specifications available from w3c, extra features such as cascading style sheets, Java script, use if images, text and other data to provide interesting and informative content, additional things you may do such as CGI interfaces and other user interactive technologies.
  2. Do nothing and go away (after all there are more interesting things to do with my time I suppose, such as starting fires or drinking beer, or both)
  3. Redefine the meaning of web site creation so it may include things of interest to readers of this document (really who wants to know anything about html and good content when we can read about beer and constructive pyromania)
We of course will choose item 3.

What does it mean to create a web site?

Impress chicks, drink beer, set fire to things, generally have a lot of fun.

The big question is can we combine all the necessary elements into one set of actions? Can we set beer on fire and impress chicks while conserving the most energy possible? The answer of course is yes we can, but should we? Does the world really need flammable beer? To burn beer would present us with a problem. It would be a huge waste of beer to burn it.

Also is the term chicks derogatory? A we trying to impress small birds just hatched from their eggs? No I suppose chicks would indicate female humans, or in the interests of sucking up to women everywhere the fairer sex.

It could also be construed that other terms we use in this discussion could be seen as bad or wrong so if we take it to extremes. We are talking about attempting to impress the fairer sex by removing flammability impaired properties of a popular malt based inebriation inducing beverage.

On second thoughts, who cares, impressing chicks by burning beer sounds oh so much better. Back to the main problem with this scheme, it would be a sin (although satanic worship may be good clean fun for the whole family, we are talking about a sin that is beyond salvation) to waste beer by burning it.

On this note we will have to scrap the idea of being able to combine the main aims of creating a web site (Impress chicks, drink beer and set fire to things) by combining them into one act. (we definitely wont be burning women as they are as much a scarce resource as beer, although I suppose combining beer and women may have it's benefits we will leave this for future study and possible experimentation)

Creating a website will involve any thing you do in order to Impress chicks, drink copious amounts of beer and light as many fires as possible.

Expert Assistance

You may need help when attempting to create your website, some recommendations for entities or individuals that may provide assistance are.
  • Harlan Ellison, although he abhors computers and has never used one, the man is a god so any assistance he will give you should be much appreciated.
  • Ani Difranco, one of the best lyricists alive and a brilliant musical performer. There is a website about Ani you can have a look at.
  • God (for I would hope obvious reasons, also he can probably create beer, and in less time than it took him to create the world)
  • Any other omnipotent and/or omniscient beings you are able to contact.
  • Trevor and Blade (members of your all male harem)
  • Carlton United Breweries (they make beer, enough said)
  • Arthur Guinness & Sons, they make guinesss, a good beer.
  • Sweden, the country that invented the match.
  • Satan, he could be fun at parties and heck get him and God in a room together and you never know what entertainment is in store for you. Also satan seems to have a lot in common with fires and heat.
  • Religous fanatics (or anyone overly religous you care to name) lots of fun to toast on fires at parties.
  • A Bag of Marshmallows (also a lot of fun to toast on a fire)
After reading through this document you should have the necessary skills to create a good interesting and enjoyable web site. However if you dont, not to worry at least you will be drunk, have a copious suply of beer, be sitting in front of a roaring fire, (the bigger the better so lets burn Las Angeles to the ground, after all that city is a blight on existance) and have many very impressed women surrounding you (well okay maybe not but I have to make people think this is all worth reading somehow)

Steven Hanley <>
Last modified: Sun Aug 8 18:00:41 1999